


Let the love light guide me home

by jule1122



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Alex Manes Deserves Happiness, Alex Manes Loves Michael Guerin, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon-Typical Violence, Future Fic, Inspired by A Christmas Carol, Jesse Manes is a dick even after death, M/M, Mention of possible suicide, Michael Guerin Loves Alex Manes, Michael Guerin deserves happiness, Nora Truman is a good mom, background minor belmanes, brief mentions of Trumanes, death of minor villainous character, learning to comminuicate, mention of potential future character death as a warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:29:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28430931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jule1122/pseuds/jule1122
Summary: After killing Mr. Jones, Alex decides to leave Roswell.  Nora uses the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future to try and change his mind.  A Malex AU very loosely based on a Christmas Carol.
Relationships: Michael Guerin/Alex Manes
Comments: 34
Kudos: 100





	Let the love light guide me home

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from "Skin and Bones" by Cage the Elephant.
> 
> I tried to tag for any possible triggers or warnings. Please let me know if I missed anything.

**November**  
Alex walks into the cave thinking he knows what to expect; he knows he’s walking into a trap, and he knows who is waiting for him. But it’s still a shock to see Max’s face devoid of kindness, twisted into a mask of anger and disdain.

“Well, hello there Alex. I was hoping you’d accept my invitation. I must admit I’ve been dying to meet you,” Mr. Jones walks in a slow circle around Alex. He smiles, an ugly, smug smile that sends shivers down Alex’s spine. “When I learned there was a human Michael had been willing to die for, to kill the meager remains of our species for, my curiosity was piqued. How special you must be to be worthy of such a sacrifice. Upon making your acquaintance, I’m afraid to say I’m quite disappointed,” he sighs heavily.

Alex tries to keep his mind blank, tries not to think of his father and how many times he’s been called a disappointment. He knows Jones is in his head, it’s why he waited until the last minute to let anyone know he was coming, and why he knows nothing of any plans to use this trap to their advantage. 

“Oh, how sweet of you to sacrifice yourself in hopes of surprising me. But I already know what they are planning. You see once they opened my cage, your little alien trio let me into their heads. And since they know nothing of who they are, they can’t even tell I’m there.”

As he speaks, Jones' voice rises, and Alex can sense his anger growing. He fights the urge to step back and instead holds his ground, doing his best to appear unaffected.

“If Michael’s mind wasn’t so occupied with thoughts of you, he could have defeated me by now. But instead of growing into his power, of becoming what he is meant to be, he wastes his energy chasing after a pathetic human. So foolish, just like his mother,” Jones sneers at Alex and without warning, sends him flying across the cave.

Alex does his best to absorb the impact without injury, but he feels a sharp pain in his ribs. He doesn’t move right away, just lies still and tries to catch his breath.

As he gathers his strength, Mr. Jones keeps talking. “And you are just as much of an underachiever. So afraid of your family legacy, but it’s not cruelty or misplaced sense of superiority, two traits I can understand, that you should have feared. No, you are cursed with your family’s weakness. Look at the legacy these mighty Manes men have left you. An uncle so weak he let the women he loved languish in prison for decades because she told him to. And when he finally had enough, finally mustered the courage to rescue her, he dies at his brother’s hand. Your grandfather and father had so many of my species at their mercy for years and accomplished nothing. They lacked the intelligence to reveal our secrets and seize the power sitting at their fingertips and lacked the guts to line them up and put a bullet between their eyes eliminating the threat completely. Pathetic.”

Jones is looming over Alex now, practically shouting. But he pauses and the anger seems to drain out of him. He flicks his eyes over Alex, coolly assessing, and Alex feels himself being pulled into a standing position. Jones steps closer and leans toward Alex, almost as if he were going to kiss him, instead he whispers against his cheek, “And what about you? Are you just another weak, pathetic Manes man?”

Alex straightens instinctively in reaction to the criticism. He doesn’t say anything, but he looks Jones in the eye and holds his gaze. It’s a mistake. He is immediately overwhelmed with feelings of pain, anger, loss, and hopelessness. Images of the shed, Caulfield, times he and Michael have fought, times he walked away flash through his mind, all from Michael’s eyes. When it stops, he’s gasping for air, and Jones is smiling.

“You couldn’t protect him from your father, you couldn’t save his mother,” Jones taunts him. “All those years of causing him pain over and over again. And you call that love? It’s weak and useless, just like you. He sees it too. Why do you think he left you at the mercy of your kidnappers?”

It’s hard for Alex to stop himself from arguing, harder than it should be. Not about hurting Michael or his own shortcomings, Jones is right about those, but there is nothing weak about his love for Michael. It’s the strongest thing about him.

“And now you are at my mercy. I can’t decide if I should kill you myself or make Michael do it. His mind is so easy to manipulate,” Jones tapps his temple and pretends to consider his options.

Alex lunges at him. He knows it’s pointless, but he can’t listen to him threaten Michael. After his last confrontation with Jones, Michael had been shaken and haunted for days. Jones just shakes his head and sends Alex flying across the cave again. “Weak,” he mutters under his breath.

This time Alex’s prosthetic twists painfully beneath him and the pain in his side intensifies. He struggles to pull himself into a sitting position just as he hears a commotion outside the cave.

“Well, look who we have here,” Jones turns to the cave entrance with a smile as Max enters, pointing a gun at Jones. Jenna follows, her weapon also drawn. Kyle starts to enter, but is pushed out of the way by Michael who immediately looks over at Alex.

Alex closes his eyes. He explicitly told Max not to involve Michael in this.

“Oh, don’t worry. Max didn’t invite Michael to this little get together, I did. In fact, he’s the only one I invited so the rest of you can just skedaddle.” With a flick of his hand, Jones sends Max, Jenna and Kyle outside the cave. A shimmering forcefield blocks the entrance. 

Jenna throws her gun toward Alex as she is pushed out. It lands near his feet, but Jones just gives it an unconcerned look and turns his attention to Michael.

“I wish I could say I’ve enjoyed getting to know your paramour, but I am forced to admit I find him devoid of the qualities you need in a partner, namely ruthlessness and courage. Your time had been wasted on him, but that ends today,” Jones pulls out a large knife and holds out for Michael to see. “You are going to take this knife and stab him in the heart, putting both of you out of your misery.”

“You’re fucking insane,” Michael growls, grabbing for the knife.

While they struggle, Alex picks up the gun and forces himself to stand. The gun feels wrong in his hand, and he scrambles to think of a way to avoid using it. He doesn’t want to take a life, especially not an alien life. It feels like giving in, and he doesn’t want to do that, not with Michael watching.

Jones gets the upper hand and steps back, holding the knife over his head. Alex can see Michael is frozen in place and realizes Jones must be using his powers on him. “So this is how it is going to be,” Jones sounds unusually frustrated, and Alex wonders how much it is costing him to subdue Michael while maintaining the forcefield. “You can kill him, or I will. But if I do, I plan to take my time and enjoy it.”

Michael frantically shakes his head as Jones turns toward Alex. He braces himself for what’s to come and prays Michael keeps his eyes closed, and he can keep from screaming.

And then Jones turns back to Michael. “He doesn’t mind dying for you which is taking some of the fun out of this for me. I think we need to up the ante. How about I give him a little preview of what I am going to do to him. He can watch while I leave a few souvenirs of our time together on your skin.”

Jones brings the knife toward Michael, and Alex raises the gun without thinking. He adjusts his stance, checks the angles, makes sure he can take the shot without hitting Michael and puts his finger on the trigger. Jones looks at him, and Alex sees surprise mixed with admiration in his expression. As he pulls the trigger, he hears Jones’ voice in his head, “You are a real Manes man after all.”

The bullet hits him between the eyes, and Alex hears the knife hit the floor followed by Jones’ body. The forcefield drops, and he pushes past Max on his way out as they rush in, Michael’s anguished, “Alex, no” following him.

Alex collapses against the wall of the cave, carefully setting the gun down next to him. He’s not sure if his struggle to breathe is from the pain in his side or the realization that he just confirmed Michael’s worst fears about him. They are only four remaining members of Michael’s species, and Alex just killed one right in front of him. He shot him without a warning or any attempt to wound him. He did it to protect Michael, but when has that ever lessened the pain he causes. Kyle crutches down in front of him, and Alex can’t hear what he is saying over the ringing in his ears, but he shakes his head and closes his eyes.

When he opens them again, he’s in the hospital, and Michael isn’t there. He isn’t there when Alex is released three days later or when he goes back to work a week after that. Another two weeks pass before Alex stops looking for him.

**December 23rd**  
Alex turns off the water and checks to make sure the only toiletries left on the bathroom counter are ones he needs for morning. He heads to bed, looking around again to memorize the path through the boxes. Everything is packed and ready to go, and Alex can’t help but feel relief at the thought of leaving Roswell.

He knows it’s cowardly to sneak off on Christmas Eve, but he figures he should have until New Year’s at least before anyone notices he’s gone. Alex closes his eyes and hopes just for one night of sleep without Mr. Jones haunting his dreams.

He wakes when he feels someone sit next to him on the bed. He should be startled, but he’s not. Instead he wakes slowly, stretching before opening his eyes to see Michael’s mother, Nora, sitting next to him. She’s beautiful, just like the picture Tripp kept tucked between the pages of his journal, the picture Michael now carries with him. It’s nice, he thinks, to see her in his dreams instead of Jones.

She smiles and touches his face. Alex pulls back in shock when he can feel her hand on his cheek. “I’m not a dream, Alex,” her voice is soft, lilting and melodious. “I’m closer to a vision, to put it in human terms.”

Alex doesn’t say anything, still convinced this is a dream. If she could do this, if she could appear and communicate, she would be with Michael, not him.

“I am with Michael, as much as I can be, but no, not like this. What the man you called Jones did to you was a violation, and it has changed the course of your life. I have been given a chance to correct that.”

“You can take me back?” Alex hopes given a second chance he can make a different decision, find a way to protect Michael and stop Jones without killing him.

“No,” Nora shakes her head. “The past cannot be undone, but I can show you why leaving is a mistake. You are going to have three visitors tonight, and then we will talk again. Please keep an open mind. Sleep now, Alex, I’ll see you soon.”

Alex closes his eyes without meaning to. Nora and all she said slipping easily from his mind.

**Past**  
A sharp whistle wakes Alex. He hasn’t heard that sound in over ten years, but fear is already making his heart pound. He opens his eyes to see his father standing over him.

“Hello, son,” Jesse's face is expressionless, a cold mask of indifference. 

Alex grabs his crutch and stands as close as he can to attention. He’s grateful he’s wearing shorts and a T-shirt, but wishes he could get his prosthetic on. Any vulnerability is too much in front of his father.

“I’ve been given the thankless task of showing you the past. I could show you the last Christmas with your mother or one of the many we spend alone together in silence, but why waste time on what you already know. If you haven’t learned from your past by now, nothing you see tonight will change that.”

He knows this is a nightmare now. Only his own mind would be cruel enough to conjure up his father as a guide to the past. He’s learned more than enough lessons from Jesse already.

“Maybe someone else’s past will be more enlightening.” Jesse whistles again, and they are standing in front of Caulfield.

Alex tries to wake himself up, but he’s trapped, staring at the prison he watched explode, taking any hope Michael had for a family with it.

“Always so soft-hearted,” Jesse snorts, making it clear it’s an insult. “Don’t worry, we aren’t going in. What you need to see is over there.”

Jesse points to a field east of the prison. Alex sees a single car sitting there, he estimates it to be a late sixties model.

“I told you the truth when I said Tripp was the man I most admired. He was my hero, everything I thought I wanted to be, up until the day my father brought his body home and told me the truth of what he’d become. Look at him, a pathetic shell of the man he should have been.”

Suddenly they are standing next to the car, looking in through the window. Tripp is in the driver’s seat, the picture of Nora clutched in his hand, tears sliding silently down his face.

“He was never at the Christmas Eve service, and I always wondered why. Tripp always spent Christmas Day with us, he’d show up after breakfast with presents and a bottle of whiskey for my father, but I never saw him on Christmas Eve. Turns out he was here, every year, he spent every Christmas Eve, every birthday, every holiday he could get away with staring at a prison he was too chicken shit to enter.”

The disgust in Jesse’s voice is so familiar, Alex fights the urge to try and appease him, to apologize for Tripp. He watches Tripp instead, wondering how he could just sit there year after year while Nora suffered inside.

“Don’t waste your sympathy on her, a creature incapable of love, who never spared him a thought. The lesson here is about a life squandered. Tripp could have been a great man. If he’d worked with his brother, they could have rid this planet of the alien scourge. Instead he spent his time mourning a fantasy she planted in his head for her own gain, and in the end, he died for it. He betrayed his family and everything he once stood for and my father put him down like a dog. Is this the future you want for yourself, Alex?”

Alex looks at Tripp one more time before turning away. He has nothing to say to Jesse. This will just be another in a long line of lessons he fails to learn.

“As I expected, your refusal to see the truth about the consequences of loving one of their kind will lead to your downfall. I won’t warn you again. Dismissed.”

With that, Alex finds himself back in his bedroom, thankfully alone.

**Present**  
“Come on Alex, wake up.”

Alex feels someone gently shake his shoulder. When he opens his eyes, Max is standing next to his bed. “You’re not a ghost,” he says without thinking.

“No, but I was dead for a while so I guess that counts,” Max shrugs, seemingly unconcerned with the technicality. “Let’s go, we don’t have much time.”

Alex blinks and finds himself standing outside The Wild Pony. He and Max look in through the window. There are a few regulars sitting at the bar, but most of the activity is centered around a cluster of tables behind the pool table.

“Pretty weird watching yourself,” Max says, nodding to where he is playing a game of pool with Jenna.

Charlie and Kyle seem to be cheering for Jenna, while Isobel shouts tips at Max. Michael, Kyle and Maria are all wearing Santa hats, and Jenna has on a Christmas light necklace. The tables are covered in wine glasses and beer bottles so Alex assumes they’ve been there a while.

The game ends with Micheal and Isobel handing over some cash to Charlie who heads to the bar to buy another round. Kyle gets ups with her, but appears to be saying his goodbyes. He drops his hat on Isobel’s head and waves on his way out the door.

“He’s going to mass with his mom,” Max explains.

Alex nods, but doesn’t say anything. It’s nice, seeing his friends relaxed like this. He can’t help but notice Michael keeps looking back at the door. Alex doesn’t think Liz came back for Christmas so he’s not sure who Michael is looking for. 

“You,” Max says as if he can hear Alex’s thoughts. “Michael’s waiting for you. Maria told him she invited you so he’s been watching the door all night.”

“He hates me that much?” Alex’s heart drops at the realization that just the thought of seeing Alex is enough to keep Michael from completely enjoying his holiday.

“What! No,” Max looks at Alex like he’s crazy. “He’s watching the door because he’s hoping you’ll come even though you told Maria not to expect you.”

“Michael hasn’t spoken to me, not a single word, since that day in the cave. Trust me, I’m the last person he wants to see,” Alex laughs hollowly.

Max sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose, “Look, I don’t have much insight into Michael’s thought process, not even here, but I know that’s not true. I don’t know why he hasn’t spoken to you, Michael never tells me stuff like that. But I do know Kyle threatened to block his number if he didn’t stop calling for hourly updates on your condition while you were in the hospital. I know he’s always looking for you.”

Alex is saved from arguing with Max by the door of the Pony opening. He sees Michael’s face light up with hope that only dims slightly when Greg walks in. Greg looks over at Michael and shakes his head. That’s when Michael’s shoulders slump as he leans back into his chair.

“Michael asked Greg to call you and try and get you to come,” Max explains. “But you turned your phone off as soon as you left Roswell so he can’t get a hold of you.”

“I told Greg I wanted to be alone through the holidays. I was going to call him on Christmas without telling him where I was.” Alex doesn’t want to lose the tentative relationship he and Greg are building, but it’s not enough to keep him in Roswell.

Greg stops to hug Maria on the way to the bar. Both Max and Alex look away when Isobel blatantly checks Greg out causing Greg to blush, and Maria to hit Isobel on the arm. When Greg comes back to the table, he sets a beer in front of Michael and speaks to him for a few minutes before Michael shakes his head and leaves.

“Come on,” Max turns away from the window when Michael gets into his truck. He puts his hand on Alex’s arm and The Wild Pony fades away.

Alex finds himself standing in front of his house. It’s dark and empty, and even though the “For Sale” sign won’t go up until January, the lack of Christmas lights or decorations make it look unlived in.

He’s about to ask Max why they are there when Michael’s truck pulls into the driveway. They watch as Michael knocks on the door and yells Alex’s name. When Alex doesn’t answer, Michael opens the door.

Alex and Max follow Michael inside. He turns the lights on, and it’s immediately obvious Alex no longer lives there. The house is completely empty, but Michael still goes through each room, calling for Alex. He ends up back in the living room, turning in a slow circle, finally taking in the lack of furniture and bare walls. 

“No,” Michael yells as all the windows in Alex’s house explode outward.

Alex flinches, but Max doesn’t react. They watch as Michael sinks to the floor and covers his face with his hands.

“He wasn’t supposed to find out tonight,” Alex says softly as if Michael might hear him if he speaks any louder. “I thought it would be at least a week before anyone figured out I was gone. Michael isn’t supposed to care.”

Max just looks at him sadly before returning him to his bedroom with a quiet, “Goodnight, Alex.”

**Future**  
Alex doesn’t know what wakes him up this time, but he opens his eyes to find Rosa sitting on at the end of his bed.

“It’s about time you woke up,” she smiles to take the bite out of her words. “Let’s go, we don’t have all night.”

“Rosa?”

“Who else would it be?” Rosa shrugs. “You can’t know that many dead people.”

A gallery of faces, most in fatigues, flash before his eyes.

“Hey,” Rosa snaps her fingers in front of his face. “The past had no place here. I’m here to show you the future.”

Once again Alex finds himself looking into the window at The Wild Pony. This time there are no tables clustered together for a festive gathering, instead he sees a few people left at the bar and an older, tired looking Maria wiping the counter.

“How far into the future is this?”

“Ten years from now,” Rosa answers.

He wonders what has happened in those ten years to make Maria look so sad. He thinks immediately of Mimi, but before he can ask, he sees one of the patrons at the bar is wearing a familiar black stetson. 

“Listen,” Rosa says when she hears his sharp intake of breath. Suddenly he hears the Christmas music playing in the background, and over it, Michael’s voice.

“Come on, Maria, just one more drink.”

“You’ve had enough, Michael,” Maria sounds as tired as she looks.

“It’s Christmas, just one more, please,” Michael’s sounds more desperate than charming. His request lacking the normal flirtatious overtones he’s always favored with Maria.

Maria’ purses her lips, but nods. Instead of getting Michael another beer, she sets down two glasses and pours them both a shot. She starts to say something, but Michael shakes his head so she touches her glass to his in a silent toast before they both down their shots. 

Alex is missing something. He knows there is more going on here than he can understand. He looks to Rosa hoping for answers.

She points to the door, “Wait.”

After a minute, Greg walks in the door, raising a hand in greeting to Maria, who looks relieved to see him. “Michael, it’s time to go.”

“Did you call him?” Alex can’t see Michael’s face, but he can hear the irritation in his voice.

“I didn’t have to,” Maria tells him. “Merry Christmas, Michael.”

Michael doesn’t answer, just throws some bills on the bar. “Better you than Max,” Michael says to Greg as he makes his way to the door. He stumbles about half way there, but yanks his arm away from Greg when he reaches out to steady him.

Rosa pulls at his hand, and the next thing he knows they are sitting in the backseat of Greg’s car.

“Are you taking me home,” Michael asks? He no longer sounds angry, just tired. He rests his head back against the seat, and Alex reaches for him without thinking. When he realizes he can’t touch Michael, he pulls back as far as he can.

“Yeah,” Greg answers Michael. “I’d bring you back to the house, but”

“No, Isobel’s right,” Michael interrupts him. “I shouldn’t be around the girls when I’ve been drinking.”

“You’ll come by tomorrow, once you’re up right? It wouldn’t be Christmas without their favorite uncle.”

“I’ll be there,” Michael agrees. “They can’t be stuck with just Max and his educational gifts. Someone has to be the fun uncle.”

“They’re lucky to have you and Max,” Greg looks at Michael with such sadness, Alex feels the mood in the car drop again. “They need you.”

“It’s just Christmas Eve. It always fucks me up,” Michael says after a few seconds of silence.

“I know,” Greg nods.

Rosa snorts, “Christmas, Eve, New Year’s, Valentine’s Day, your birthday, his birthday, Veteran’s Day and any other day that makes him think of you.”

“Why?” Alex isn’t sure exactly what he is asking.

“You’ve never been stupid, Alex. Figure it out.”

Before Alex can ask more questions, Greg pulls into Sanders. Instead of the airstream, Greg parks next to an RV that while not new, is both larger and in better condition than the airstream. Alex isn’t sure why Michael is still choosing to live in portable housing, but at least it is an improvement. 

“See you tomorrow,” Greg reminds Michael as he exits the car.

Rosa and Alex follow Michael into the RV. The first thing Alex notices is how empty it looks. There are no schematics scattered on every available surface, no pieces of metal and glass to be examined and cataloged. Maybe Michael has finally moved all his projects to the bunker.

“He doesn’t use the bunker any more,” Rosa tells him. “He sealed it up years ago.”

“Where does he do his experiments and research?” Alex can’t imagine even ten years in the future, Michael could work openly with alien technology.

“He doesn’t. He gave all that up too.”

Alex watches Michael go through the stack of mail on his table and tries to ignore the feeling that something is very wrong in this future. Michael wouldn’t just give up on years of his work, his search to learn more about his planet, himself, not without a good reason. 

“Junk, junk, junk,” Michael mutters under his breath as he sends the envelopes to the trash without ever touching them. He freezes when he gets to one Alex recognizes as being from the VA. Michael opens it then throws the papers back on the table. “Fuck you, Alex. I never wanted your money.”

Michael stalks over to the fridge and grabs a beer before heading into a closed off area Alex assumes is his bedroom. Alex moves closer to the table to read the paper Michael left there. “Statement of Benefits” it reads. “Veteran: Alexander Manes. Beneficiary: Michael Guerin.”

“So I’m dead,” Alex looks at Rosa who nods. “What happened?”

“Does it matter?” Rosa asks.

Alex thinks about it. Maybe it doesn’t matter, but there is one thing he needs to know. “I didn’t. . .” It shouldn’t be this hard to ask, but then he shouldn’t have to ask. He should be able to trust he wasn’t responsible for his own death, but his mental health had always been shaky at best.

“No, you didn’t kill yourself,” Rosa says bluntly. “Supposedly you died a hero, rescuing a family when their car crashed into a frozen river.”

“But?” Alex asks because he knows there is more to it.

“The family wasn’t in immediate danger, and you could hear the sirens before you went into the water. But you decided not to wait. You didn’t kill yourself, but you risked your life when you didn’t have to.”

Alex nods because that he understands. He’s never been able to think about his own safety when he sees a chance to save someone else. It’s one of the reasons he did as well as he did in the Air Force. He walks back to Michael’s bedroom where Michael is sitting on the edge of his bed, head hanging almost to his knees. The beer bottle dangles precariously from his fingers, and Alex can’t tell for sure, but he thinks Michael is crying.

“Did it happen recently? Michael shouldn’t be this upset.”

Rosa rolls her eyes, “I take back everything I said about you not be stupid. I don’t know how much I’m supposed to tell you, but you clearly aren’t getting it on your own. The first year after you left, you kept in touch with Greg. But once you destroyed the last of Project Sheppard you vanished. You sent all the files you had to Roswell and disappeared.”

“Were they helpful, the files?” Alex is relieved to know his transfer paid off.

“Kyle says they were,” Rosa seems unconvinced. “Guerin never looked at them. Just read the summary you sent and started looking for you. That’s why he bought the RV so he could track down any leads he found. But he never got close to you. You really know how to hide.”

Alex nods. When he thought there was a chance he could still get Michael out of Roswell, he’d done a lot of research on how to disappear. The skills he picked up in the Air Force only would have made it easier.

“He never gave up though even when everyone else told him to stop. Life goes on you know, but Michael couldn’t let it go. Then four years ago on Christmas Eve some officer from the base tracked Michael down at the Pony. Hands him a flag, a check and a bunch of paperwork saying you named him as the recipient of your benefits. He apologized for taking so long to find him, but you never provided an address, just his name and an outdated cell phone number. You’d been gone almost a year by then. Michael spent Christmas that year driving to your grave.”

Michael lets the bottle drop to the ground and collapses back onto the bed. He curls into himself without bother to take off any of his clothes. Alex’s heart aches looking at him. This is wrong, this isn’t what he wanted for Michael.

“He shouldn’t have looked for me. It was supposed to be easier for him with me gone. Michael was supposed to be happy, live his life without the Manes legacy casting a shadow over everything. That’s what he deserves.”

“God, you are so fucking stupid,” Rosa rattles off a long string of angry Spanish Alex doesn’t even try to understand. He gets her point just fine. 

“He said it's just Christmas,” Alex knows he’s grasping at straws. “It’s not like this for him all the time.”

“What do you want me to tell you, Alex? No, he’s not drinking himself to sleep every night. He saves that for special occasions.”

“Rosa,” Alex is this close to pleading, and Rosa must hear it because her expression softens.

“Guerin’s, Guerin,” she says as if that explains anything. “He’s still the best mechanic in town, and he’ll do anything for his friends. He’s his nieces’ favorite uncle by far, and we all know we can count on him. He’s no monk, but no one lasts more than a night or two. His choice. He’s sad, Alex. He’s resigned himself to a life of loneliness. I think he’s forgotten how to want more for himself than this.”

“Then remind him. Please Rosa, there’s still time. He can be happy. He can find love, have a family, whatever he wants,” Alex is willing to beg if it will change this future for Michael.

“He wants you.”

Alex shakes his head, unwilling to accept Rosa’s words. “No, he’s better off without me. You just have to make him understand that. Don’t leave him like this. Please.”

Rosa throws her hands up in the air and shouts up at the ceiling. “I told you to send someone else.” She turns to Alex, eyes narrowed and hands on her hips. “This is pointless. I give up. We’ve spent ten years trying to clean up your mess where Michael is concerned. There is nothing else we can do. Find your own way home,” she turns to storm away, and then is just gone.

Maybe he should be concerned about being abandoned in the future, but he finds his attention drawn to Michael who is drifting in and out of sleep. He sits next to him on the bed and stares, wondering if this is the last time he’ll see him. He doesn’t try to touch him again; he thinks it would break him to fail again. Michael probably can’t hear him either, but he finds himself singing to him. A mostly forgotten lullaby his mother sang to him. Alex sings it over and over again, pretending Michael’s sleep becomes more restful, until his own eyes close.

**December 23rd**  
Alex opens his eyes and finds Nora watching him again.

“Do you understand now?” she asks. “Why you must stay.”

Shaking his head, Alex tries to sort through all he has seen. “But I’m right about the base,” he finally answers, seizing on the one justification he can find. “I can destroy Project Sheppard from there.”

“Oh, Alex,” Nora closes her eyes.

Alex knows he’s disappointed her, and it twists something inside him in a way he thought he’d never feel again after his father died. 

Nora takes his hand, and in that moment the sense of failure fades away. Instead, he feels love and understanding.

“I made the same choice as you once. I choose duty over family. Tripp wanted to leave, take the children and go somewhere his family and the military couldn’t find us. But I wanted one more day to finish the mission. I thought it was selfish to choose my own happiness over stopping Jones. We all paid for that choice.”

“It’s not the same,” Alex argues. “Michael is better without me. He knows that, and I do, too.” He fought that truth for so long, clinging to hope that one day they could make each other happy again. But since he saw their relationship though Michael’s eyes, that illusion has been shattered. 

The look is back on Nora’s face, but Alex knows now it is one of concern, not judgement. “Is that what you believe?”

“I saw, I felt, how much I’ve hurt him. That wasn’t a lie.”

“It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t the truth either. I wish I could show you the entirety of what you bring to Michael’s life.” Nora’s face brightens, and it’s the same look Michael gets when he figures something out. “Alex, has Michael ever hurt you?”

Alex immediately shakes his head, pushing angry words and closed doors from his mind. “Not like I’ve hurt him.”

“It’s alright to admit you’ve been hurt,” Nora tells him gently. “But this is what is most important, has Michael ever made you happy?”

Those memories he doesn’t try to push away. He lets himself remember the times he made Michael laugh, the times Michael made him feel safe and loved. All the times he could just be himself with Michael.

“Believe me when I tell you, you have brought just as much joy to my son’s life. The pain is there, but love is greater. You’ve both been hurt so much that you are just now learning how to love. You deserve a chance to do that together.”

“It’s too late.”

“You saw Michael’s future without you in it. Is that what you want for him?”

“What if it is worse with me in it?” That is what Alex fears the most. That no matter what he does, he will always cause Michael pain.

“You weren’t shown a future where you stay in Roswell because there isn’t one.”

Alex swallows hard and sits back. It’s what he expected, but it still hurts to have his worst fears confirmed.

“Alex, there isn’t one, there are hundreds. If you stay, you and Michael have so many paths to take. There are futures where you stay in Roswell and ones where you leave. Sometimes you have a family of your own and sometimes you decide to be everyone’s favorite uncles. You both have many different careers and interests. But in every future, you have each other and you find happiness. It’s never easy, and sometimes it feels impossible, but you both believe it is worth it. You and Michael, your futures, your happiness are entwined in ways we have never seen before.”

Nora wraps her arms around Alex and holds him while he cries for the future she says he can have, but he can’t bring himself to believe in. “Don’t give up, Alex,” she whispers into his ear. “Happiness is waiting for you.”

When Alex finally pulls back, he feels a tiny bit of hope blooming in his heart. “Thank you,” he tells her. No matter what he decides, having this time with her was a gift.

“Sleep now,” she tells him before kissing his forehead and standing up. “You will know what to do when you wake.”

Alex wipes his eyes, and when he looks up, he is alone.

**December 24th**  
Alex stands nervously in The Wild Pony’s parking lot. He can’t resist looking in the window when he passes by. He doesn’t know if he is more relieved or terrified to see Max and Jenna playing pool, to see the Santa hats on Michael, Maria and Kyle, to see Charlie collecting her winnings when Jenna beats Max.

When he works up the courage to go in, he meets Kyle in the doorway.

“Hey, man,” Kyle smiles brightly when he sees Alex. “Glad you made it. I promised Mom I’d pick her up for mass, but Merry Christmas.” He pulls Alex into a hug. “I have a feeling it’s going to be a good year, for all of us.”

“Merry Christmas, Kyle,” Kyle’s optimism carries Alex into the bar. He raises a hand in response when he hears a chorus of greetings and leans into Maria’s hug gratefully. Alex feels Michael’s eyes on him, he always knows when it’s Michael, and finds Michael watching him with something he’s trying to believe is hope.

He approaches Michael cautiously, “Can we talk?”

Michael nods and points to a booth in the corner. “Yeah, I’ll get us a few drinks.”

Alex only waits a few minutes before Michael joins him, setting two beers down on the table. Neither of them reach for a bottle or say anything. They sit in silence until finally Michael says, “I’m glad you came.”

The first response Alex thinks of is “Are you?” but he bits his lip instead. He doesn’t want to start a fight, but he doesn’t think telling Michael his mother came to him in a vision is a great way to start the conversation either. Eventually he starts with, “Do you remember reading The Christmas Carol in high school?”

“Yeah,” Michael looks confused. “Scrooge, the three ghosts, right.”

“Did you ever wonder what you would see?” Alex licks his lip and looks away. “I know it’s just a story, but you’re from another planet so is it really so crazy?”

“Alex, what are you trying to say?”

“I had a dream last night, but I don’t think it was a dream. I think it was real.” He hears the bells Maria hung on the door jingle. “That’s Greg. You asked him to call me, to check up on me and try and get me to come tonight. If I wasn’t here, he would be telling you he couldn’t get a hold of me because my phone has been turned off.”

Alex turns and waves at Greg who looks relieved to see him. He heads toward Alex, but notices Michael sitting with him and changes direction, sitting next to Isobel instead.

“Greg could have told you that.”

“He could have, but I did have my phone off all day. If I’m right, if this really happened, I was supposed to change my mind about a decision I made.”

“What decision?” Michael asks, looking like he knows he won’t like the answer.

“I requested a transfer to a base I think is connected to Project Sheppard. I finished packing yesterday, and I planned on leaving this morning. I should be four states away by now.”

“But you’re here.”

Alex nods. “When I woke up this morning, nothing was packed. The transfer request was sitting on the breakfast bar, unsigned.”

“Are you sure you signed them in the first place?”

“Michael, I didn’t imagine packing up my entire house, contracting with a real estate agent. I got my new credentials in the mail last week. But now it’s like none of that ever happened.”

“How is that possible?”

“You tell me, Michael,” Alex flattens his hands on the table and leans forward. “How does Isobel get into someone’s mind, how did Max bring Rosa back from the dead, how does a ship rebuild itself?”

“Are you saying an alien did this to you? Is there another one?” Michael looks around the bar as if he expects another alien to appear.

“Not exactly,” Alex twists his hands together, still not sure how to bring this up. He knows he needs to tell him. “It was your mother. She told me she was there to make up for what Jones did to me, to keep me from making a mistake.”

Michael sucks in a breath before asking, “What did he do to you?”

“He showed me,” Alex begins before correcting himself, “he let me feel every time I hurt you. It was so much. I didn’t realize how much pain I caused you. I knew I hurt you, I knew I wasn’t good to you, but not like that. I’m so sorry.” Alex pressed his hands even tighter together to hide how much they were shaking. Just thinking about what that felt like was enough to make him want to run again. But he wants to stop running from his mistakes.

“Alex, you can’t trust anything he said or did.”

“It wasn’t a lie, Michael. Everything he showed me happened. I have to accept that.”

Michael looks like he wants to argue, but instead he asks,”Is that why you were leaving.”

“Partly, mostly,” Alex sighs, but continues. “I knew I didn’t want to hurt you like that again. I found the lead on the base right after I got out of the hospital. You weren’t talking to me, and I thought I could go, finally do something about Project Sheppard, and you wouldn’t have to see me again. Your mom,” he stops there, realizing he hasn’t told Michael about Nora. “Your mom, Michael, she was so beautiful, just like the picture Tripp had. And when she smiles, she looks just like you. I’m sorry, sorry I was the one who got to see here, but she told me even though you can’t see here, she’s with you as much as she can be.”

“I feel her sometimes,” Michael says with a sad smile. “It’s like a hand on my shoulder or a hug when I really need one. Good to know I’m not imagining it. And I’m not sorry. I’m happy she was there for you, especially if she’s the reason you’re still here.”

“She said we find our happiness together.”

“Do you believe her? Michael asks.

“I don’t know. I want to. I held on to the idea that we would find our way back to each other for a long time, but I don’t know,” Alex repeats.

“That’s what the ghosts are for, right? To show you why you need to change?” he waits for Alex’s nod. “Who were your ghosts?”

“My dad, Max and Rosa,” Alex ticks each name off against his fingers.

“Huh,” Michael tilts his head as if considering that particular combination before shrugging his shoulders. “What did you learn?”

“From the past,” Alex pictures Tripp sitting alone in the car while Nora remained imprisoned. “Not to let inaction and regret dictate my life. I’m still not sure about the present, I guess that I have a place here even if it doesn’t feel like it. And the future was to show me what would happen if I left. A warning, I guess? Rosa said I was missing the point and got pissed off and left me there,” Alex smiles at the memory.

Michael laughs, “I could see that. So she didn’t show you a happy future?”

“No,” Alex wished she had. Maybe if he could see it, see a way for him to make Michael happy, he could believe it. Maybe he would have rushed in here and swept Michael off his feet. He smiles and shakes his head at the thought. He’s never been good at romance. “Your mom said there were too many different ways we find happiness to show me one. Do you believe that? Do you believe I can make you happy?” 

“Maybe, I hope so. I know I’m not happy without you.”

“Even after what I did? You still think so?” Alex still feels the weight of killing Jones in his heart. He doesn’t see how Michael can forget that.

“What do you think you did, Alex?”

He knows he needs to say it, but it feels like killing the last bit of hope he has. He takes a deep breath and forces himself to meet Michael’s eyes. “I killed him, Jones, I shot him without even thinking about it. I could have captured him, just stopped him, but I saw the knife and I killed him. Right before I pulled the trigger, I heard his voice in my head, calling me a real Manes man.” He sees Michael’s face fall, but keeps talking. “You called me that before. I think you always saw that in me, the potential to be like my father. I hated it so much, that you could compare me to him, but then I proved you right. And I made you watch while I did it.” Alex blinks back tears, but doesn’t look away from Michael.

“No,” Michael grabs Alex’s hands. “No, Alex, you are nothing like your father, and I shouldn’t have said that no matter how much I wanted to hurt you. What you did, killing Jones, isn’t at all like what your father did. He wasn’t a prisoner, he wasn’t helpless. He was going to kill you, and then he probably would have killed me. You did the right thing, and I’m glad he’s dead. I wish it didn’t have to be you because you already carry enough guilt and responsibility, but I’m not sorry you did it.”

“Then why?” Alex wants to believe Michael, but weeks of silence stretch between them. He doesn’t know how to say, why didn’t come see me or why haven’t you spoken to me since that day without feeling too needy so it leaves it at why. 

“God, he really fucked with us,” Michael leans back in his seat, but doesn’t let go of Alex’s hands. “I never told you what happened that day with Jones, the week before the cave?”

Alex shakes his head. Michael wouldn’t tell anyone what happened, but it had been obvious whatever it was had deeply affected him. It was the aftermath of that confrontation that escalated Alex’s plan to capture him.

“He said my attachment to you was holding me back, was keeping me from reaching my full potential as a destroyer of man. Said it didn’t matter in the end because you were destined to die protecting me. He showed me images of you dying, Jesse taking the hammer to you in the shed, you bleeding out in Baghdad, not making it out of Caulfield, getting shot at CrashCon, and finally I saw him kill you in the cave.”

“None of that happened,” Alex reassures him, shaken again by Jones' cruelty.

“But it almost did. Do you know how close you came to dying that day? Kyle put in a damn chest tube right there in the desert. Every time you went overseas, I was afraid you wouldn’t come back. But seeing you hurt was so much worse than I ever imagined especially knowing it was because of me. I couldn’t stop thinking about what he said, that you would die protecting me. I may have freaked out a bit.”

Michael laughs, but Alex knows he’s trying to downplay a very real fear. “I don’t want to die,” Alex knows that is true. “But I have a hard time valuing my own life. I always have, and I’ve spent years being told giving my life for others is the ultimate act of service. I’m working on it, though.”

“Thank you,” Michael lets out a shaky breath. “I needed to know that. So what now? Do we take my mom’s advice and try again?”

Alex feels Michael squeeze his hands and bits his lip. He suddenly feels shy, reluctant to admit how much he wants this. “I’d like that, but it doesn’t feel like trying again to me. We never gave each other much of a chance in the past. There’s one thing I need from you. You told me you were always following my lead, letting me call the shots. It didn’t feel like that to me. I was always so damn scared; I had no idea what I was doing. I should have known, but I didn’t. If I start to do it again, tell me. I’ll listen I promise. I don’t want to hurt you like that again.”

Michael studies Alex’s face for a moment, considering what he said. Alex doesn’t know if he wants to argue or if he’s trying to decide if he believes Alex. Finally he says, “Ok, I can try.”

It feels like the beginning he’s been dreaming of since he came back to Roswell. He realizes he’s glad he didn’t see a future where he and Michael were together, that he’s looking forward to finding out what happiness looks like for them. He wants Michael to know, so he tells him, “I want to learn to be happy with you. I want to go on dates and road trips and grocery shop with you. I want to sleep in on the weekends and do yard work with you.” He wonders briefly about some of the other choices they will make. Will they stay in Roswell, will they adopt, what will he do when he leaves the Air Force. But in the end it doesn’t matter as long as they do it together. “I want to make you smile.”

“Yeah?” The smile Michael gives him is beautiful enough to make his heart skip a beat. “That sounds pretty good. Should we start with Christmas breakfast?”

“I’d like that,” Alex knows his own smile is equally as bright.

“Hey, Alex!” he hears someone yell. He looks back to where their friends are gathered to see Rosa standing with her arms crossed over her chest. She must have come in while he and Michael were talking.

“You two idiots have been sitting under the mistletoe for an hour. Are you going to kiss or what?”

He and Michael both look up, spotting on the plastic sprigs of mistletoe Maria had hung throughout the bar. Michael laughs and leans forward; Alex meets him halfway. The kiss is sweet and full of promise, and Alex feels the seed of hope Nora planted in his heart start to bloom.

He pulls back just enough to whisper, “I love you,” because while a true relationship between them might be a new thing, his feelings have never changed.

“Love you, too,” Michael answers before pulling Alex into a deeper kiss that has the rest of the bar cheering.


End file.
